Battlestar Galactica meets Twilight. Starlight Amoret Adama meets the PPC.
“I’m still in shock.”
“Yes, yes, Laura Roslin and Bill Adama slept together. Get over it already.”
“How can you?”
“Maybe Elves have a higher recovery rate from surprises?”
“I hate you.”
Eledhwen Elerossiel and Christianne Shieh were bickering again. This time, the subject was the ending scene of the latest Battlestar Galactica episode, and how quick it should take to recover from it.
If that wasn’t entertaining enough, then …
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]
Christianne and Eledhwen froze, and turned as one to glare at the console. If it possessed muscles, it would have cowered.
“It’s another BSG Suefic,” Eledhwen announced as she muted the beeping.
“Don’t tell me this one messes with Bill and Laura.”
“I would, but then I would be lying to you.”
Christianne scowled. “For an elleth from Arda, you sure know your way around a modern conversation.”
“OFUM does that,” Eledhwen beamed. “Look at this. Apparently, Cylons are nothing compared to vampires. And last time I checked, Caprica City was not a monarchy placed in the middle of a democratic government based off of World One’s American government.”
Scowling and stalking over to the console to read the mission, Christianne glared at the words as if she were trying to glare it off of the screen. “And that’s not all,” she muttered through gritted teeth. “Starlight Amoret Adama. Frankly, I thought Leland was already a bad choice in names…”
“Mm, because ‘Starlight Amoret’ is definitely not a Mary Sue-ish name,” Eledhwen agreed. “Oh, and by the way, this all takes place on Caprica, which means no airlocks.”
“Let’s introduce her to a real vampire. Like Thuringwethil. Or Selene Windflower. Or Dracula.”
“I like the way you think at times.” Eledhwen was neatly placing her notebook and writing utensils in her pack, and just as neatly placed her camera inside as well. “I want pictures of Laura Roslin and Bill Adama. Even if Bill’s a frakking vampire in this fic.” She paused and then frowned. “Or would that be a character replacement?”
“Probably. But we need one of them together, yes. For the scrapbook.”
“We have a scrapbook?”
“We do now.” Christianne set the disguises to ‘none’ and opened the portal. “Let’s go sit in Bill’s limo.”
Eledhwen snorted. “That is a statement I thought I’d never hear. But with that fic, anything is possible.”
~~
It is amazing just how distorted the Canon can get, especially to the point that none of the locals notice two people suddenly appear out of nowhere in their car.
It is even more amazing that those two people could take a whole bunch of pictures and still not disturb the scene.
“I want a pic of Saul Tigh’s right eye!” Christianne exclaimed as they sat opposite of the two Canon characters and the snoozing Mary Sue. “Lords of Kobol know I missed it ever since season three.”
Eledhwen smirked, and snapped another picture of Bill Adama. “Charge the first,” she announced, “Being the gratuitous uncanonical offspring of canon characters—to whit, one William Adama, and thus being the gratuitous uncanonical sibling of Lee and Zak Adama.”
“Charge the second,” added Christianne as she snapped a picture of Saul Tigh, “Causing personality alterations and character ruptures.”
“I hope you’re writing this down,” Eledhwen muttered as Bill and Saul turned to watch the Mary Sue wake up. “Because it’s just the beginning of a long list. Let’s get away from this scene.”
“One portal into Laura Roslin’s living room, coming right up,” Christianne mumbled as she fumbled with the remote activator.
~~
“There’s certainly more spelling and grammar errors in this story than in the last,” Eledhwen complained as the portal deposited them in Laura Roslin’s living room prior to the arrival of the supposed vampires. “My head hurts.”
“I thought that only came with compressed paragraphs,” Christianne commented, snapping pictures of the canon character pacing the room.
Eledhwen shook her head. “Here come the vampires,” she announced as Laura turned around to see Bill and the Mary Sue sitting in her living room.
Laura froze, her emerald eyes showed fear and curiosity. For years she had heard about William “Husker” Adama, Vampire Prince of Caprica City. Her nightly visitor she supposed. And she was face to face with the one person who held power over her.
At that precise moment, Christianne’s CAD gave a shrill shriek. The Canons looked around wildly, but the Mary Sue seemed to have discovered them. “Frak! I’d forgotten about that thing,” Christianne muttered as she and Eledhwen ducked behind a conveniently placed wall.
“Why did it choose now, of all times, to shriek?” Eledhwen wondered aloud as she read the display. “Even I know Bill’s so far gone he’s become a character replacement.”
“It wasn’t going off during the previous mission,” the enraged assassin muttered as she muted the noise. “Blame the Gods or something.”
There was a sudden thud against the wall. “That’ll be the Not-Bill threatening to rape Laura,” announced Christianne as she looked at the Words.
“Papa, stop!”
“And that’s Mary Sue, interfering with the confrontation,” Eledhwen finished. “When is the next major breach in Canon?”
“Either when Bill displays the agility of Edward Cullen as he jumps off of Laura’s balcony or when the other half of the Sue’s parentage is revealed,” Christianne replied. “Though this whole story is one major breach of Canon. The author probably would have been better off just writing original fic with vampires instead of inserting them into, of all fandoms, Battlestar Galactica.”
The Sue was speaking telepathically to Laura now. “I am Starlight Amoret Adama, daughter to William Adama.”
Christianne groaned. “Why can’t we just frakking kill her now?”
Eledhwen shrugged. “Because we need to get more charges? If that version of Bill Adama is a Character Replacement, why don’t we hunt around for the real one?”
Shaking her head, Christianne grumbled, “True!—nervous—very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am; but why will you say that I am mad? Why don’t we kill her when she and Laura start bonding over pizza?”
“I have no objections to that.” Eledhwen looked mildly disturbed by Christianne’s arbitrary reciting of Poe, but shrugged it off.
There was a sudden noise outside that signaled Bill Adama’s jump off of Laura Roslin’s balcony. “I’ll bet you anything that the real Bill Adama’s hidden somewhere over there,” Christianne muttered. She walked outside, with Eledhwen following.
~~
On the balcony, Christianne was trailing her fingers against the walls and the railing. “There’s got to be a plot hole here somewhere,” she muttered.
Eledhwen suddenly screamed, and her partner turned to see the elleth lose her Elven grace for a moment and stumble …
… into a gaping hole in the floor. “Frakking plotholes!” Eledhwen’s voice came up from the hole. “But I think I found him. He’s unconscious, though.”
“Shall I get the spelunking gear to get the two of you up here?” Christianne wondered as she peered into the blackness of the hole. “I think Star’s talking about her Mysterious Tragic Past now. The breach in Canon—y’know, the one with the phone call and the results of the little attack—is coming up.”
“Go ahead without me. Just toss me that Eru-damned portal thingy. I’ll portal the two of us into Laura’s living room.”
Christianne hurriedly tossed the remote activator into the plothole and dashed back into the apartment again.
Star gulped, she hoped her father knew what he’d gotten into with this woman. Cuz even with the pact one thing was for sure, Laura Roslin was not going to be easy to tame.
“Hold the party, hold the party!” came a voice from the balcony. Moments later, a young woman dressed in black appeared. “As heartwarming as this scene should be, I am here on behalf of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum to have a little chat with Miss Vampire here.”
“My name isn’t Miss Vampire,” Star insisted in her native tongue.
“I know what your name is! Now, this is the point. You fancy me mad. Madmen know nothing.”
“Chrissy, just get to the real point already,” Eledhwen complained as the portal behind her dissolved. William Adama was lying unconscious next to her. “I had to drag him through; he’s so frakking heavy …”
Star leapt from her seat, startled. “I thought my father was all right!”
“Well, this guy isn’t your father, chippy,” Christianne retorted. “Starlight Amoret Adama, I hereby charge you with the following: causing personality alterations and character replacements. Being the gratuitous uncanonical offspring of William Adama and Laura Roslin, and thus being the uncanonical sibling of Lee and Zak Adama. Being a member of an uncanonical race—namely, the vampires or the vampyres or whatever the frak you call them. Displaying Magical Mary Sueish powers and gratuitously using magical jewelry. This is a sci-fi show, for frak’s sake! Magic has no place here.
“You’re also charged with changing the government of Caprica City—namely, putting a monarchy in the middle of a democratic government—and for being a rebellious princess with an inappropriate name, hairstyle, and eye color.”
“Don’t forget ‘employing melodramatics’ and ‘behaving like a teenager even though you apparently slept for centuries’,” Eledhwen added. “And ‘causing events to eventuate solely for your benefit without regards to the plot’.”
“Aye. A few more complaints: Altering the physique of Canon characters—namely, one William Adama. Not mentioning Cylons—the reason behind why this whole frak party even started—until chapter nine. Mangling of the English language. Changing tenses. Annoying PPC agents. Disgusting PPC Agents. Causing Bill Adama to harass Laura and molest you. Messing with Bill Adama and Laura Roslin. And most importantly—being a Mary Sue. Any last words?”
“What the freak did you do to my father?”
“That’ll soon be the least of your worries,” Eledhwen replied cheerfully as she caught the Mary Sue off guard with a pretty well placed right hook. “Let’s go vampire hunting.”
Christianne smirked. “Why don’t we raid Laura’s pantry? See if she’s got garlic. And we’ll need wooden crosses and stakes. Preferably made out of ash, hawthorne, aspen, or white thorn.”
“Is that how you kill vampires? In Arda it took more effort.”
“These vampires aren’t shapeshifting, bat-like Maiar. They’re the undead.”
“Like Nazgûl?”
“I guess.”
“Then we’d need running water and fire.”
“That works, too.” Christianne grinned and opened the refrigerator. “Is there any garlic here?”
~~
Within the hour, a portal opened out into the uncanonical Adama mansion. Bill was sitting at his desk, and looked up to see two people in black enter the room, one of them carrying a wooden cross with a stake and the other carrying an armload of garlic.
“William ‘Husker’ Adama, the uncanon,” the one with the garlic announced, “You are hereby charged with: causing personality alterations and character ruptures. Posessing vampiric powers and thus being a member of an uncanonical race. Changing the government of Caprica City—namely, putting a monarchy in the middle of a democratic government. Altering the known backstory of the real William Adama. Disgusting PPC Agents. Harassing Laura Roslin and molesting a minor, even though she’s a Mary Sue. Initiating the romantic liaison between him and Laura Roslin without regards to the canonical plotline. And, most importantly, impersonating a Canon character. Any last words?”
“The Kindred will hunt you down for what you have done.”
“I don’t give a frak.” The person with the cross stepped forward. “You’re a frakking vampire, aren’t you? Don’t you have an aversion to crosses and garlic?”
Bill accordingly twitched. “Get those … things away!”
“Then cooperate, Old Man.”
Commander Adama was smart. He knew when to obey.
~~
“Tol-in-Gaurhoth,” Eledhwen murmured, and shivered. “The very place brings a chill to my bones. The lore of my people call it Wizard’s Isle, but it is the Isle of Werewolves. Sauron lives here; I can sense his malice.”
“Stop being so frakking poetic,” Christianne grumbled, still holding the cross at vampire Bill’s throat. The little party shuffled nervously across the dark cobbles. A tower loomed overhead, and abysses were everywhere.
Eledhwen glared at her partner. “Let’s get rid of them already. My arms are starting to ache.”
“I thought Elves were stronger than Men.”
“I was never one for archery, which is one reason why ellyn are so well-built.”
Christianne rolled her eyes and then, without warning, drove the stake through Bill and shoved him down into the nearest abyss. “Gods, I wish this abyss wasn’t so dark. I want a picture!”
The Sue suddenly woke up. “My father’s dead!” she shrieked wildly. “You’ll pay for this!”
The next thing anyone knew, Eledhwen had been bitten in the neck by a Suvian vampire, and Christianne was in hysterics. It was fortunate that Thuringwethil, sensing mayhem and blood below, suddenly swooped down and grabbed the now fleeing Mary Sue and flew away, cackling. The screams of the Sue faded into the night.
Christianne portalled into the Middle-earthian vampire’s lair. Within moments, she received confirmation that yes, Starlight Amoret Adama was dead at the hands of Thuringwethil, messenger of Sauron.
Portalling back, she immediately went to Eledhwen. “Eledhwen,” Christianne whispered hoarsely, walking towards the limp form of her partner. “Don’t die.”
Eledhwen didn’t respond, and Christianne felt for a pulse. “I have the worst luck,” she muttered as she did. “Why do all of my partners die on me?”
“I’m not dead yet,” the elleth rasped suddenly. “Get me to Medical before I do.”
~~
“Agent Elerossiel will be all right,” Dr. Fitzgerald announced to Christianne, who was sitting in the hallway outside of Eledhwen’s hospital room. “We’ve managed to give her some blood transfusions and we’ve gotten rid of the venom and the Glitter. She’s resting right now.”
Christianne let go of the breath she didn’t know she had been holding. “Good. I’ll check on her as soon as I finish the mission.”
Dr. Fitzgerald nodded, and reentered the room. Fumbling with her remote activator, Christianne opened a portal and stepped back into Laura Roslin’s apartment.
The real William Adama was now awake and looking supremely confused. Laura Roslin was apparently trying to explain everything. “There were these vampires, see, and one of them impersonated you and the other pretended to be your daughter. But then these two other people come and they took the vampires away and—here comes one of them.”
“Hi,” Christianne said awkwardly as the two Canon characters looked at her fearfully. She donned a pair of sunglasses and handed the two of them a pill. “Eat this. It’ll make the pain go away.”
Laura and Bill complied. Christianne beamed as their faces slowly started to relax. “Now look this way…”
There was a click and a flash.
Grinning apologetically, Christianne put the camera away and took out her Neuralyzer. Another flash later, and the future Admiral and President were staring slack-jawed at the PPC assassin. “Okay then, Bill,” Christianne said to said Canon character. “You’re Commander William Adama. Your callsign is ‘Husker’, but you don’t use it often nowadays. You’re supposed to be aboard the Galactica for a decommissioning ceremony. You know nothing about vampires, nor do you know anything about humanoid Cylons. You have only two children. Their names are Leland and Zak, and you are estranged from them and your now-divorced wife, Carolanne. Zak is now dead, and Leland is also known as Lee. You have never met Laura Roslin until the Galactica’s decommissioning ceremony.” Bill nodded and disappeared.
Christianne then turned to Laura. “You are Laura Roslin, former schoolteacher and now Secretary of Education. You’re having an affair with President Richard Adar, but the two of you break up. You are currently heading to the Galactica for a decommissioning ceremony and there, you tell Commander William Adama to network the battlestar’s computers for a more education-friendly environment. He doesn’t listen because he thinks you’re just a silly schoolteacher. You’ve never been married, and you do not have children. However, you do have breast cancer, and you decide to combat it with chamalla. You know nothing about a pact between the Roslin and the Adama families, because there is none. You know nothing about vampires and even less about humanoid Cylons. You have a crappy hairstyle.”
Laura also disappeared with a slight poof. Sighing in relief, Christianne portalled back to HQ, intent on visiting her partner.
But when she arrived back in her RC, there was a note on the console screen. It was from the Postal Department:
Get down here before your packages set the Department on fire.
—Otik
Christianne grinned at the second one. “Finally! I’ve always wanted pets.” She turned to see the three mini-Centurions picked up from the Kameron O’Neill fanfic. “Well, mini-Centurions aren’t really much of a hassle, but gee, I’ve always wanted mini-Balrogs and mini-Dragons!”
Suddenly in a much better mood, Christianne called to the minis. “Come with mummy to pick up your new sisters and brothers. Then we’ll go visit Aunty Eledhwen in Medical and give her a shock worse than a vampire bite!”
END
[Author’s Notes: That one was bad. I know it’s all to each their own, but to me, vampires and BSG do not mix. Cylons are bad enough. Apologies to lady_adama.
For the morbidly curious, here’s the fic: http://survivalinstinct.net/viewstory.php?sid=1663&warning=5
Oh, and I couldn’t resist the Poe quotes. They’re from “The Tell-Tale Heart”.]